


It's Only

by aerographer (Aerographer)



Series: Anxiety [2]
Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Nightmares, Not, Panic Attacks, So here we are, Suicide Attempt, after having it sit there for like a week, and platypuses, and then he's just, bc hot damn have u guys seen a platypus those are some scary motherfuckers, because i had no motivation to write it, but then my friend made me watch that shia labeouf video and that rly motivated me, finally finished this, get rekt, have some tissues ready because this is sad, headcanon that will is scared of bears, ive hated them since i was like 4, will is happy for like .05 seconds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-29
Updated: 2015-07-29
Packaged: 2018-04-11 21:34:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4453205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aerographer/pseuds/aerographer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s only slaughter<br/>We’re only liars<br/>It’s only blood</p><p>They’re only thoughts that I’m having;<br/>Thoughts safe within my head.<br/>You’re only crying<br/>You’re only dying<br/>You’re only dead</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Only

**Author's Note:**

> title and summary via It's Only by Odesza  
> its a fantastic song listen to it
> 
> not gonna lie im probably not gonna write smut because i tried to write some for this series and i just couldnt it drained me i think i wrote like one paragraph over the course of five or six days
> 
> i tried uploading this at like midnight when i finished it and then ao3 fuckin crashed on me and you can bet your hardhats that i was pissed as shit
> 
> this an emotional mess good lord save me for i have sinned

Will’s world was crumbling around him and his only support was a boy with pitch black hair and onyx eyes. **(Don’t get too used to him because he’s not going to _last_.)**

Talking to Nico di Angelo had sent the ball rolling and gradually, Will found himself becoming happier with himself and just in general. Something about the gloomy kid just temporarily cancelled out all of the anxiety in his body. Maybe it was his eyes. Or how he seemed to perk up a bit when Will was with him. His eyes weren't so sad when Will was around. Long story short, Will loved it. He loved being happy and he loved that he could make Nico show the hint of a smile. He loved that he could actually spend time with the person he loved more than anything. Nico didn’t know this, of course, but he definitely knew that Will seemed off around him **(he knows he knows and he hates you for it he _h ates you he hates you_ )**.

Soon after the battle between the Greeks and the Romans, in a spur of the moment decision, Will told Nico that he had to stay in the infirmary for at least three days. Nico had been rather huffy and objected the idea, but after a few hours, Will thought the younger boy was enjoying the care. He probably hadn’t received it since his sister had passed and that been the upside of three years. Will’s heart completely went out to the younger boy. During those three and a half days, Will spent as much time around Nico as he possibly could. He would draw out examinations and ask more questions than necessary **(you piece of shit why won’t you just leave him alone he doesn’t even like you)**. He would sit by Nico’s bedside for hours and bombard him with the epics of Apollo and occasionally stories of his own childhood (only the happy ones because they made Nico laugh) and sometimes he’d tell funny jokes that Lou Ellen and Cecil told him. Will would force food down the kids throat and yell about how malnourished he was and go off on a medical rant that probably went right over Nico’s head but ranting made Will feel better **(maybe you shouldn’t bottle up all of your feelings you fucking sack of pegasus shit)**.

Will slept poorly for those days. His brain wouldn’t turn off. He was plagued by his worries and fears. Worries of not being a good leader for his siblings, of not being a good brother. Fears of losing his friends, losing Camp Half-Blood, being attacked by bears **(you’re a demigod and you’re afraid of being mauled by a bear? Wow what a fucking loser.)** He would be awake most of the night while fear shifted around his head and coiled in his stomach. He would put up an act and smile like the sun and brush it off when asked about it the next day. He would lead his cabin to the dining pavilion and joke around with the younger kids. He’d bring Nico breakfast and if the boy was still asleep when he arrived, he would sit in the chair next to the bed and rub his face and press on his temples. When Nico would stir, Will immediately put on his happiest face and greeted the son of Hades with a large grin. Nico always looked pleased to see him **(no he’s not. You’re reading into this too much take a step back why would he ever like someone like _you_?)** and he would  eat almost everything on the plate Will brought.

After Nico’s three days in the infirmary, the two would sometimes spend time together when Will wasn’t on his shift. They’d sit on the fireworks beach and talk for hours. Will told Nico about some of his deepest fears and even considered telling him about his mental state. He refrained from actually doing that though **(don’t want a pity party do you, eh? Then keep your fucking mouth shut.)** as he decided it wouldn’t be the best idea. So he kept his thoughts safe within his head. He didn’t want Nico to know how much he was hurting. He couldn’t let anyone know about the constant turmoil that quaked through his body. Nico told Will about everything he’d gone through in Tartarus and when Nico started trembling he slowly put his hand over Nico’s. Nico had stared down at their hands for a long moment **(you’re such a fuck up why did you dothat you ruined everything you always do)** before continuing his story with a shaky sigh.

When the majority of the campers went back home for the school year, Nico and Will still sat on the beach and talked. One night, they were in their usual spot and Will noticed that Nico was sitting closer to him than usual. The dark haired boy stared out at the horizon and talked about growing up in the 1930’s which was something he did often. This time though, was different. He paused mid sentence and looked at Will, dark eyes drilling into pale ones, and said something so quiet that Will didn’t hear him **(you’re in love with him but you don’t listen to what he has to say)**. Then Will was completely stunned because the boy who held his heart leaned forward and kissed him. They started dating soon after that.

Percy Jackson and Jason Grace made a special trip from their busy schedules to come talk to Will. Jason arrived in a gust of wind that made Will stumble backwards and shield his eyes from the leaves and grass and dirt that came with it. Jason and Will were about the same height but Jason was still extremely intimidating. Will stared at Jason with eyes as wide as dollar coins and tried not to shake too badly. Jason fisted his hand in the neck of Will’s shirt and lifted him off the ground before calmly letting out the threat that he would personally skin Will alive if he hurt Nico and Will wheezed out apologies and agreed with Jason's words before he was gently set back down. Jason smoothed Will’s shirt over and left with a cheery smile and a wave (he could crush you with one hand tied behind his back). Needless to say, Will puked his guts out in a bush from the leftover anxiety and went back to his usual routine. Not two hours later, Percy made his grand appearance by making the water in the air and grass collect around Will and dragging him behind the Poseidon cabin. Percy’s threat was very similar to Jason’s but he didn’t get to finish it because Will was doubled over and shaking and (weak) sobbing and raking his nails down his neck because he couldn't breathe his vision tunneled and (pathetic) his hands were numb andhis lipsweretingling andPercywascallingforhelpbutWillstillCOULDN’TBREATHE **(helphelphelphel-)**. When he calmed down, he was in his infirmary, seated on an empty bed with Lou Ellen, Cecil, Connor Stoll, Nico, and Percy all crowded around him with faces of worry. Will just blinked wearily at them and breathed out that he was tired before laying down and falling into a dreamless sleep.

A few weeks passed and Will started to feel better. He still felt drained and dead on his feet, but except for the one incident, no one knew the nightmare Will lived. His internal struggle seemed to be lessening a bit. This wasn’t good, though. No, this was very bad. When he started feeling better, everything came crashing down on him and felt as if he were being crushed under the weight of his sadness. Sometimes it was so bad his chest would actually burn. It hurt so bad. When it got really bad Will often seriously considered taking his life to make the pain stop, but then he’d get distracted by the infirmary or he’d fall asleep. He’d forget about the ache in his chest and bury himself in work. This time though, he was too wrapped up in the infirmary. He didn’t notice the weight lifting off his shoulders. He didn’t notice the slight receding of the cracks in his heart until it was too late. He was brushing his teeth when when the cognizance finally hit him. His arms suddenly weighed one thousand pounds. His hand dropped to the sink and his toothbrush clattered against the metal drain. Will stared at the porcelain for fifteen minutes with his lips parted, foam and saliva dripping from his mouth **(gods, you’re so _disgusting_ how do people want you around why the fuck do you want to be a doctor when you’re too busy drooling to do anything else)**. Slowly, numbly, Will washed out his mouth and stumbled back to his mostly empty cabin. He forced away the ideas forming in his head and tried to fall asleep.

Will opened his eyes. He was in a field. A very large field. One that Demeter would have been proud of. A breeze that seemed to laugh with malicious contemptment flowed around him and he knew something was going to go wrong. “Will? Are you ok?” The voice was muffled and hard against his ears. He slowly turned around to face the person who’d spoken and all of the air left his lungs. Nico stood about five feet away. He was dressed simply in a knee-length black chiton and gold sandals. His eyes were clouded with worry and he tipped his head to the side to gaze at Will quizzically. Will nodded and took a step towards Nico. Nico smiled brighter than Will had ever seen and reached for Will’s hand. “C’mon! You said we could practice the discus today!” a cold pit formed in his stomach at Nico’s words. The zephyr laughed in his ears once again. Will followed Nico who was chattering excitedly about something or other, waving his free hand around to gesture wildly and to point at things in the distance.

They walked for what seemed like hours. Nico would occasionally turn and smile at Will and Will would smile back. It was one of those dreams where he couldn’t control his actions and that only made his panic even worse. Finally they reached a large stack of circular, weighted objects that Will immediately recognized as discusses. He knew what was coming, but he didn’t want it to happen. He didn’t want to see it. He didn’t want to see his angels head split open. Nico threw the first disc with an expert throw. It sailed through the air for a considerable distance before it came back down and hit the dirt with a ‘thunk’. Nico turned to Will and then there was a discus in his hands and he was throwing it. It went further than Nico’s and hit the ground with a ‘thud’ that told Will it had buried itself in the dirt. Nico's eyes were wide with admiration and he looked at Will with a look of pure adoration. “I wanna see how deep that went I’ll be right back.” Nico bounded over to the discus with long strides. Will glanced down at the remaining discusses and decided, why not? He’d make sure to throw it so it wouldn’t hit Nico. His entire body screamed with protest and terror when he bent to pick up the smooth, silver disk. He threw it.

A blast of wind carrying howling laughter hit Will with enough force that he almost fell over. Suddenly, a silver glint caught his eye. The discus. It was flying straight for Nico. Will held out his hand. stumbled a few feet forward, but it was too late. The discus slammed into the side of Nico’s skull with a heart stopping ‘crack’. Wil could only watch as the slice of metal cleaved through the boys head, almost cutting it clean in two. Will could hear someone screaming. It was him. He ran to the boys body, crying and in shock, and fell to it’s side. Nico’s beautiful complexion had been marred beyond recognition. Will gently slid his hands under the boys body and clutched it to his chest. He sobbed brokenly and screamed into the sky, begging Hades to give him back, to give back the light of his world. Blood, brain matter, and skull fragments dripped onto Will’s garments but he didn’t care he just wanted his angel he wanted his miracle back. With a cool breeze, a voice whispered in his ears, “If i can’t have him, then you can’t either.” Will screamed again.

Then everything changed. Will was surrounded by blackness. Panic flowed like ice through his veins. Suddenly, Lee Fletcher, Michael Yew, and Will’s mother stood in front of him. They pleaded with him, begging for his help, asking why he let them die, asking him where he’d been. Michael’s body was crushed, Lee’s was riddled with arrows, and his mother was coated in a thick sheet of blood. Then Nico was there too. He stood directly in front of Will and looked at him. His mouth opened a voice that wasn’t his slithered out and hissed that he wouldn’t be able to save him, that he’d let him die. Will cried and begged and apologized and he hurt everywhere he wanted to wake up he wanted this to stop he needed it to stop. When the visions cleared and Will’s eyes finally snapped open, it was the middle of the night, his body was covered in a thin sheet of sweat, and he was trembling **(you’re making this all up)**. He sat up. He knew what he had to do. And he had to do it now.

He exited his cabin in a barefoot haze **(it’ll be better this way)**. He walked down the steps, looked at the Hades cabin, and promptly turned for the small stretch of woods behind the cabins **(no one will miss you)**. He walked to it. He found the beach after a lot of cursing and tripping but he’d found it ( **why haven’t you already done thi syou IDIOT)**. He stared at the surf for a good ten minutes before he started forward **(do it do it do it doitd o _it DOITDOIT_ )**. He waded in the water up to his knees, then his waist, then his chest, then his shoulders. When his toes barely brushed the sand, and his lips were just above the water, he questioned if he was really going to do this and yes, yes he was **(DOITDOITDOITDOITD-)**. He needed the pain to stop **(MAKE IT STOP WE CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE PLEASE MAKE IT STOP DO IT _DO IT NOW_ )**. He needed the worries and the pain to go away. He let his head go under. Will sucked in a breath and immediately his body rejected the water. He tried to cough it up only to get more in response. Everything was burning. He felt like he was on fire **(PLEASE PLEASE IT HURTS)**. This was crazy he couldn't do this he couldn't _he couldn't_ he couldn't hurt Nico or anyone else he needed to get out of the water **(no nono no no you’re so close make it all go away make the pain stop ple _ase please please_ )**. Will clawed for the surface and vomited salt water for six or seven minutes before he finally drifted back to the shore **(get back in the water make everything ok make everything stop hurting be able to breathe again)**. He laid there for a long time.

It was still dark when Will got up **(go back)**. He was still soaking wet. But he was also cold. Really cold. He was numb all over but he slowly plodded to the Hades cabin and let himself inside. He closed the door silently before he went to stand next to Nico’s bunk. Nico was so peaceful when he was asleep. He truly looked like an angel **(you still don’t deserve him)**. Will shuddered before he took off his wet shirt, dropped it on the ground and climbed into the bed with Nico. Nico startled awake and stared at Will with wide eyes before he recognized Will’s face. His expression morphed into one of worry and confusion when he smelled the salt from the ocean and saw the redness of Will’s eyes and before either of them knew what was happening Will was wrapping himself around Nico and sobbing into his shoulder. His voice was raw from the sea water and he must have sounded terrible but he wheezed out apologies and  managed to tell Nico what happened between his sobs. Nico held him and stroked his hair and kissed his forehead and his cheeks before he murmured something in Italian, pulled a blanket over the two of them, and eventually they both fell asleep. Will would live to see the next day.

**Author's Note:**

> one time i went on a hiking trip with my dad and we'd never been to this trail before so we bought bear mace a few days beforehand and i got 0 sleep that night because i was imagining my entire family getting mauled and i was like having flashbacks to documentaries about bears that i'd seen and i was so fucking scared guys jcf and thats why will is scared of bears because they're terrifying
> 
> LEAVE COMMENTS!!!!! I WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU THINK!!!!!!
> 
> my blog: Pageofmemes.Tumblr.com


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